EMDR Continued

This is an archived post that was originally published at beyond-terminal.com

Below you will learn how Scarlet walks me through the different steps for setting up an EMDR session. The setup was time intensive, with the questions centering around the traumatic event I was interested in processing more. Note that all of this was done prior to my following Scarlet’s finger back and forth across my field of vision.

As you have seen in earlier passages, flashbacks had become a part of my daily existence. However, my built-in defense mechanisms often only allowed one memory to surface at a time, and often this memory was truncated so I could only see a portion of what had transpired. EMDR quickly broke down these defense mechanisms.

__________  

This passage picks up from the entry posted two weeks ago and is also from the chapter “I Begin Therapy.” Note that I have just received a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

“Last time we talked about starting EMDR today,” Scarlet said. “Are you feeling up for that?”

I nodded.

“As we talked about, you’ll follow my finger with your eyes as I move it back and forth across your field of vision,” Scarlet explained. “And after 30 seconds, I’ll ask you to close your eyes, blank out what’s on your mind, and take a deep breath.”

“Let’s do it,” I said.

“Okay, let’s start by setting up everything.” Scarlet walked to her desk and got an official EMDR form that outlined all of the questions she needed to ask to set up the session correctly. “First, I want you to recall a memory that you find especially difficult.”

We talked about one of Roger’s violent episodes and worked on setting up the session for the next ten minutes. Scarlet then said, “I want you to keep your mind on these things: the image of Roger throwing chairs in the classroom, your negative belief ‘I am inadequate,’ and the physical sensations of not being able to breathe and your body shaking. Got it?”  

I nodded.

“And I want you to remember that we can stop at any time.”  

I pressed my hands against the couch cushions and tilted my body forward, positioning myself like I was teetering at the top of a roller coaster that I didn’t want to go down but knew I needed to.  

Scarlet then positioned her pointer finger just 12 inches away from my field of vision and said, “Now follow my finger with your eyes.” 

I followed Scarlet’s finger back and forth, back and forth. Ten seconds later, as I was still following Scarlet’s finger, I was catapulted back into my classroom, where I saw Roger tearing around the room. He threw one chair, and a second, and a third. It was so loud. I then watched helplessly as Roger scampered around the room, throwing anything within arm’s reach.  

“Blank it out,” Scarlet said after another 20 seconds.

I closed my eyes and shuddered. 

“Okay, now open your eyes and tell me what comes to mind.”

I tried to take a deep breath, and as I did so, I clutched at my chest with my hands. “I see the same thing,” I said. “The same thing I was thinking of…when I followed your finger.” 

“Okay, tell me about it.

It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I told Scarlet every detail, even though my breathing became more and more ragged and goosebumps pricked by skin from head to toe.

Scarlet observed me working through these difficult physical sensations. “Megan,” she said, “I know this is hard – but feeling these feelings and physical sensations is very important.”

I bit my lower lip and nodded.

“Okay,” Scarlet said as she looked down at her notes, underlining certain words I had said that were meaningful to her. “What I want you to do now is stick with that feeling of helplessness.”

I knew I needed to go through this tunnel. Not over, not under, not around. As I followed Scarlet’s finger back and forth, back and forth, I noticed how her long manicured fingernail poked out ever so slightly over the tip. I also noticed the creases on her finger and the lines where the joints connected. I let myself go. And as I let myself go, Scarlet’s finger started to blur and my field of vision turned into a peach-colored canvas.

And it was in this moment of my letting go that I got hit hard. Really hard. So hard I grabbed a hold of the piping that lined the couch cushions on either side of me. In my mind’s eye I had been transported back 20 years, and there I was, clear as day. I saw myself being carried up to my bedroom by my dad. We were just getting home after I had had a bone marrow biopsy and spinal tap earlier in the day. I had vomited and vomited after the procedures, but they had finally let me come home, even though I was weak. So weak. At the age of 11, I was 5’2” and 52 pounds. Skin and bones. I was wasting away. No one knew exactly how much time I had left. Although no one thought it was much.

“Blank it out,” Scarlet said.

Tears stung my eyes.  

“This is a safe place to cry,” Scarlet reminded me.

With that statement hanging in the air, the tears sprung loose. 

“Please remember that we can stop at any time.”

“Keep going,” I insisted. 

__________  

One of the take-aways that I learned from EMDR was the importance of physically allowing myself to feel the emotions. In the past, I had dodged feeling these emotions at a visceral level as much as I could because I hated the discomfort. I would run, I would listen to music, I would distract myself.

It was hard work, and I often felt – and looked(!) — like I had run five miles after a therapy session without having the endorphin benefit. That said, allowing myself to feel the same physical sensations that I experienced during the traumatic event and staying with these feelings, I began to process these memories at a deeper level than I ever had before. And by doing so, I eventually found myself going through my day without having as many intrusive thoughts pierce my consciousness at unanticipated moments.