Why publish?

Humans are relational and communicate through shared language. But what if you don’t have the words to describe what you’ve been through?

As I grapple with the release of my book, I think back to the first time I paged through my medical records over ten years ago, trying to make sense of things. Not everything made sense when I was diagnosed “terminal” at the age of eleven, even to the scores upon scores of medical experts I saw. So why did I think I could thread together a coherent narrative all these years later? Maybe because it was my life, and I had done the hard work of therapy and EMDR to retrieve those lost memories.

One thing the first several years of research and writing yielded was the ability to string together words that better described what I experienced. This was helpful, but I still wasn’t able to make sense of everything. And the 90,000-word manuscript I’d written wasn’t necessarily one where others would read it and say Oh, I can relate to that.

Because of this, I sat on my manuscript. As the months wore on, I started wondering if there was a chance my healing journey could be relatable. And, if so, whether my book could be restructured around this.

Sara Letourneau, my developmental editor, helped me brainstorm ideas about what this could look like. Eventually we landed on the idea of telling my story from an adult’s perspective and showing what trauma can look like as you process childhood illness. From this angle, my experience was no longer singular, but reflected challenges many of us face.

This is the story that will be published. I hope my readers will indeed discover language that captures a shared experience. Note that, while this rendering holds more universal truths, my medical history still has patches that aren’t totally comprehensible. Accepting this is part of my healing process.

Is sharing my story with others part of my healing? I don’t know. Thinking about my book’s launch leaves me feeling queasy.

One thing I do know, though: I’m working on being authentic and accepting all parts of me. It’s far from easy. But I’m going to keep showing up. And, while this book is launched, I’m going to do my best to breathe into my discomfort.